I No Longer Raise Children

For the last little while I keep thinking about a phrase I heard (or read) awhile back. It basically makes the point that maybe if we all--parents, that is--stopped raising "children" and started raising productive and responsible adults we'd be in a better place.

Think about it.

The end goal is to have healthy, reliable, honorable, capable, contributors of society; to have responsible adults.

Our goal is not to have eternal children; a bunch of big people who are emotional 5 year olds...especially when it comes time for them to have children of their own or care for us when we're old and feable.

I wonder how my choices would compare as a Mommy early on if my personal directive had been "raising up adults" rather than "raising children".

I wonder now if I have been engaged in the service of bringing up responsible adults or in lifting them up into something they already were: children?

Along with this is another principle pointing out that if you treat someone as they could be you create room for growth, whereas as if you treat someone as they are now you stunt them from progression.
Putting these two concepts together gives me a strong leaning preference for removing the words "raising children" from our language and social consciousnesses.


Certainly we want to "...teach in a way that does not restrict learning...", influence the development of rich knowledge, deep compassion, intense loyalty, pure integrity, strong family ties, positivity, industrious creativity, responsibility, spiritual connection, and relationship maturity.

So, I have decided I'm no longer raising children...

Nope.

I'm now raising future productive adults...
                  Now...How do I make up for lost time??? And...what's my first step to positive change?

Veterans Day

This is a day of reverence...

...a day of gratitude...

...of thanksgiving...

...of recognition...

...of remembering...

...of honor...

...of pride...

...of peace...

 Today is Veterans Day...

      ...a day to give tribute to those men and women who love this country so much they were willing to give up all other loves in there life. They stood to protect, honor, and serve this country in any way necessary.
 


I have been born to a family rich with the patriot spirit. Men from the first war this country fought all the way down to the youngest men have stood up, taken oath to protect and defend our country, her constitution, and her allies against her enemies domestic or foreign. My ancestors, my grandparents, my uncles, my cousins, have all been grateful to those before them and protective of those to come after. They love our freedoms protected and guaranteed by our Bill of Rights therefore walked without some of them in order to preserve them for us.

Eventually, I married a man of honor who also felt a deep and moving devotion and dedication to this country where so many opportunities are availed. He, too, is inspired to take up the burden of protection, sacrifice, and service.

I cannot imagine the things they've seen, done, and endured. Conversely I'm only able to imagine the amazing and wonderful things they have been apart of, the things they created, the blessings they brought to others.

Imagine how wonder it would be to know YOU were part of the reason someone now has running water; clean running water to drink and bathe in rather than the stale muddy water they had to carry in buckets to their "homes".

Imagine that because of You someone gets to learn to read and to write.

Imagine being someone children run to knowing you have a kindness, a candy, safety, a bottle of water, security.

Imagine that you have a mission to build a hospital where the infirm and injured can come and gain proper care.

Imagine the light in a mother's eyes because You or your buddy healed an illness, performed a surgery, or set a broken bone which you wouldn't have been able to seek due to distance and the inability to travel or pay.

Imagine chasing a bully away allowing neighborhoods or villages to life in better conditions, eat the whole of the food they grow, the milk their animals produce.

Imagine you make the difference.

OR

Imagine if you thought it wasn't your problem...it was none of your business and those children got no education, no clean water, no security, treats, no health care, no relief.

We talk to often about soldiers the ugliness of war, but have you given yourself a moment to consider the good, the productive, the blessings of our brothers and sisters in these areas of conflict. Have you been able to read about or witness the rebuilding of civilization, the restructuring of government for peace and prosperity, the hospitals and school erected?

Oh should we not be proud! Should we not be pleased with our fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, ought we not be joyous with our cousins and friends when they step and say that they will go, they will stand up for those who are in need regardless of the personal cost, regardless of the scary circumstances, regardless for their own personal safety because they know within themselves it's the right thing to do? Should we not look upon them with massive amounts of respect and gratitude for doing a moral right, or having the moral courage to leave behind comforts and entertainments and delicious foods while we sit back here continuing to indulge in our passions, our toys, and our treats?

Yes, indeed, our military members have served, fought and sacrificed. However, pulling triggers and launching bombs is not the sum total of their existence. 

They Give.

They Build. 

They Teach. 

They Mend.

They Sing. 

They Play. 

They Befriend.

They Protect. 

They Love. 

They Plant.

They Harvest. 

They Paint. 

They Filter.

They Pack. 

They Ship. 

They Dig.

They Enable.

They Work.

They do so much good. Governments may make decisions based on less than honorable intentions, but our service men and women while obeying there orders reach outside of themselves to work a mighty miracle for the people within those countries they've been sent.

So to all my family and friends who have and are serving in the military, and to all those whom I don't know, THANK YOU for your service, for your guardianship and  

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I Love My Children

I love my children more that I could ever express or explain. The words I have just don't come close to describing how I feel about them, the joy they bring into my life, the cause they give my heart to beat, the light they bring my days and my nights, the warmth they put in my blood, the color they wash my world with, the blissful music they play in my ears, the certainty they give to my purpose, the strength they urge me to find within myself, the sheer terror I feel with the slightest thought of losing them, the beauty and satisfaction I experience when they smile and laugh and appear content, the overwhelming peace that washes over me when they lay silently sleeping deeply nestled and gracefully dreaming, the exhilaration that explodes through my veins when we embrace.

No. There are no words I know to come close to what I experience, what I know, what cherish when my mind wonders towards the thought of my children, or when I hear their names.

By the same token there is an equal failure in language to articulate the pain, desperation, frustration, anger, sadness that dwells within my heart when my children suffer an injury or a crushing blow to their own hearts.

Motherhood living is so much more than anything anyone can ever really prepare you for, more brilliant and dim than can be explained. Being a Mother brings this women to the most exquisite bliss and suffering, the deepest agony of joy, the most bitter sweetness, an introduction to every level of color and grays, secure uncertainty, insecure certainty, hopeful helplessness, hopeless helpfulness, confused clarity, clear confusion, faith, fear, and, oh, so much more perplexing wretched beautiful things indescribable.

I love my children. A simple, under stated, lack luster, shallow, inadequate four words...the only ones I know, the only ones to give...yet they mean so much. Because I do love them, I'm willing to be an advocate, a sacrificial lamb, the "scape goat", the monster to be hated, the wiper of tears, listener to rants, the receiver of hateful spew, the seeker of the lost, the reader of stories, the cook of food uneaten, the prayer of prayers, the alarm clock, the taxi driver unpaid every time, the brusher of hair, the turnip squeezed everyday hoping for blood, the bank teller, the singer of songs at night, and the tired emotionally drained ball of mess that I am.

And...every so often, I get the most loving supportive hug, the sweetest smile, the look of gratitude, the THANKS, the enjoyment of meals made, the thrill of seeing them attain something they really wanted or needed...

I love my children. It really doesn't begin to put all that other stuff in there, does it? Nah, not at all.

But.  There it is:

I LOVE MY CHILDREN!!!

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Run Away

Last night SUCKED.

What do you do with a hormonal, emotionally charged, 14 year old convinced that she's in love and, in fact, is going to get married to the boy target of her affection? A girl desperate to be on her own, be in charge of her life, and to do what she wants, but completely oblivious to the price on the tag, or even that there is a price tag at all?  A girl who doesn't seem to know how to see past the next ten minutes?

What do you do with someone you love so profoundly nothing really makes sense without them but being with them is equal parts pain as pleasure? A person you have ultimate responsibility for who is determined to thwart every single effort you make in their regard be it for safety, health, happiness, fun, or empowerment?

I'm really searching for an answer for this girl who seems to be a frightened wounded wild animal trapped within a cage in the very throws of deep panic? I quake at the many possibilities that she could fall into, the various pits of despair she digs for herself, and I wince with each new crack in my heart as I witness her blatant disregard for the pain and agony she and her choice may cause those who love and value her.

I love my daughter.

I. LOVE. My DAUGHTER.

Last night she chose to complete a plan she'd created with her "boyfriend" and her long time friend--who no doubt thought this was just SOOOO romantic--to gather a few items over a couple of days, plant them in the alley, and meet up with "G" so that they could run off into the sunset where they would get married, have babies, live in the house of their dreams, drive amazing cars, and live happily ever after... Yeah, because they live in a romantic comedy where misguided bratty teens make stupid choices but get whatever they want with pink and gold sunsets reflecting in glassy beach water and parents who apologize for having an interest in their children learning values and virtues like: responsibility, cooking, cleaning, work, kindness, compassion, sharing, gratitude, politeness, honor, and honesty.

Why can't they see that what we really want for them is maximum options and possibilities for them, the most amount of exciting choices for them to choose for when they get to the point in life that they actually GET to make and keep them? I mean, I know it's par for the course for teens to doubt parental concern thinking we like to be mean and treat them like chumps just because we can, but I don't remember having a total and absolute belief the my parents enjoyed and relished a personal sadistic pleasure in making life as difficult, UN-fun, lonely, and torturous as possible.


Alas, that's my daughter; perpetual pessimist, profound under-estimator of others, and the world biggest victim of all things unfair. In fact, there's probably a national conspiracy against her written on "top secret" file papers  of each of our country's alphabet organizations...in fact, maybe a global one.  We're all against her, and it's time to admit it.........Sigh   This story gets so tiring.

Last night, my darling girl, left the house to meet "G". They walked around the city for a long time and did who-knows-what until they wrapped up the night trying to acquire a get-away car.

Today. I'm angry. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to look at her. I LOVE HER. But I'm AN-GERRR-Y

The officer who brought her back was awesome. He was calm. He was kind. He wasn't taking any crap. He talked to us. He let us talk to him...and talk...and talk. He was patient. He was clear.  He was just what I would have wanted in that scenario.

We had friends and family looking for her. Crying for her. Worrying about her. Praying for her. Scared. Frustrated.

And when she was brought back, we all were relieved.

When she was returned, She. Was. Mad.  She was embarrassed. She was upset that she was home.

She was ok with all of us being sad, mad, scared, worried, upset... for her, it was acceptable, no problem. For her, knowing we were all torn up inside just simply did not affect her.  And I'm angry about that.

What do you do with a 14 year old who does that?

What is True Love?

People always talk about love. A lot of times they sing about lust in the place of love. Poems are ever so romantic. But what is LOVE?  How do you know when it's the real deal?

My husband is the best teacher of this for me.

The proof is in the pudding, so's to say. It isn't about the promises one can make, it's in the keeping of them. We can passionately commit to almost anything, but it's in the follow through that we find the truth. So, being able to speak the words "I love you" does not actually mean that we love another person.

In talking with my older children who are very interested in the opposite gender and desire to be in relationships, I have shared ideas that I think are helpful in navigating relationships.

Of course you want to be attracted to them but the allure of their outside appearance changes when you learn who they are from the inside.

Sex appeal is awesome but it doesn't equal trust and safety.

Movies make love a chemical reaction, a passionate night of shadows and candle light, but there is so much more to love...the tie that men and women live and die for and by which families are created and defended.

Here are some things I think you'll find when love is at the root of your relationship, ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe. Can I trust my Sweetheart enough to grow in front of his/her eyes which means making mistakes, being vulnerable, being open, and allowing yourself to fumble.
• Do I desire to make the him/her comfortable.
• Am I willing to be uncomfortable to help him/her.
• If he/she were unable to care for him/herself, would I be will to wipe his/her bottom? Could I trust him/her to do the same for me? Could I allow him/her?
• Do I respect him/her?
• Do I think he/she is capable of deep thinking and valid consideration of topics important to me?
• Can we have active conversations and spells of comfortable silence or do we need to be doing something to be content with each other?
• Do I value his/her opinions? Does he/she value mine? Do we allow the other to have differing views without becoming upset and argumentative?
• Do I want to scrub toilets, wash dishes, pay bills, travel, and be bored with this person? (you get the idea)
• Is this person's scent the one I want to smell in my home everyday? (I'm not talking perfume or body spray here; feet, BO, gas, etc...)
•  Am I sensitive to his/her needs? Is she/he sensitive to mine?
• Do I only expect things from him/her that I am willing to do? Does he/she of me?
• Does he/she see ME when she/he looks in my direction? Can I show my real self--the one I hide from the rest of the world and barely take a peak at myself? Do I see him/her?
• If I were paralyzed, burned in a fire, diagnosed with a debilitating disease like cancer or MS, am I 100% confident he/she would still be here beside me? Would I be for him/her?
• When I hear his/her name or see his/her face do I feel warm feelings immediately more than half the time?
• Can we look at each other deeply in the eyes, holding that gaze from any distance near or far?
• Am I willing to allow this person to see me sweat?
• Regardless of how I feel about his/her parents, would I sacrifice for them in order to foster peace between them? 
• Do I want to be a better person? to reach higher, try harder, work longer to grow? (not to change who I am but to improve within myself by my own definition)
• Can I give him/her my naked heart and accept his/hers without feeling a need to suggest augmentations?
• Do I him/her as he/she is right now forever, even as I grow and become different, am I capable of allowing him/her to be THIS person everyday into eternity?
• Do we have our own inside jokes and jargon?
• Do I protect his/her image? Do I defend and protect him/her from other people, especially my close friends and family, when they're being judgmental or "joking"?
• Do I share the things I find amazing about him/her often with my friends and family?
• Is our relationship sacrosanct to me? Even over my best friend?

There are many things that point to love, this may not have everything and some things may not be as important to you as they are to me, however; I think this is a good place to start evaluating and discussing where you are in a relationship. I would think that before you choose to commit yourself or your body to another person, you'd want to have as many yeses as possible to the questions above.

I hope my children will at least look at these things and consider them carefully when making choices of intimacy and commitment. Love is wonderful and beautiful, but love is also dirty, stinky, ugly and tough, it's life and endurance, hard and soft, gentle and strong, it is everything.  Choosing a person to share all these things with is hugely significant.

I think this song illustrates just what I'm talking about. Chris Medina and Juliana Ramos were in love, planning a wedding and suddenly their world changed forever...she was in a car accident that traumatically damaged her brain. As you can see, she has partial paralysis and looks differently than she had before. LOVE see's the real person and commits to the heart. Enjoy this song:

A Collection of Great Advice for Young Women

So I read a post on another blog written by a woman who is active in the lives of many, many teenager. She has her own children, has adopted many children, and is a foster parent. She has some perspective.

In reading her advice to young women I could only think of how empowering and freeing the truth of her words are...of course, there are a couple of things I modify in my own head but all in all I think the list of things she posted are worthy things to discuss with one's own children.

I'd like to add to her list a couple of concepts prior to leading you to her post: Realistic Advice to Teenage Girls.

•  Remember your value has nothing to do with other people or their opinions. But, be ready to navigate a whole slew of judgmental bombs from every direction, so "Never go to war where there are no spoils"--make your stand where it REALLY matters to you.
• People believe what you're telling them about yourself. Be sure the outside matches the inside. While we "shouldn't" judge others, we human creatures do, and rather unfairly, too. While you're not responsible for what others do as a result of their conclusions, you may want to be sure you're advertising who you really are.
• Remember "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". You can only be offended by another person's opinion if you begin trading your judgment for theirs or you buy into their opinions being more powerful than your own. Keep your power.
• We all slip, we make mistakes, be kind to yourself and be kind to others when it happens. It will happen many more times than you would like.
• Give others the "benefit of the doubt". Generally other people aren't purposely out to hurt and drag you down. Sometimes they are but usually a person is simply tripping on words or lost in their own struggles.
• Remember the golden rule and cash in on it. Treat others kindly and generously.
• Remember equal rights means equal responsibilities, not a blank check.
• Pointing out a whole in the ground does not mean you want someone to fall into it. If someone speaks frankly to you about perceptions, value it as an FYI and move on with your own personal judgment on what you'll do with the information. If you really like that whole, thank them for pointing it out and jump in, if you don't like the whole, thank them and move around it. There's no need to yell at or slam them.
• Your attitude really is what makes or breaks any given situation.
• If your are prepared you will have no need to be afraid...intimidated maybe, but not afraid, so do your due diligence to know what you're doing...and why. 
• Knowledge really is key. Learn. Be educated. And know some practical application for the theories you study.

With that, I'd like to share the advice of Backwoods Mom: http://backwoodsmom.danoah.com/2011/05/realistic-advice-to-teenage-girls.html

At this point I'd really like to know from you what you think is a really great piece of advice for your women today. Don't worry, I am aware and acknowledge something like this for young men is just as worthy and I will focus on one later...our young men need to be encouraged, too!  So.......what's the word, what do you wish someone would tell you or would have told you as a teen??

Leaving kids in the car?

I did the unthinkable. 

Yes. 

I left my daughters in the van so that I could run into the store. 

I did it. 

I went to the grocery store. With me were my 14 yr daughter, 12 yr daughter, 9 yr daughter, and my 4 yr daughter. I ran in to get a prescription for my 15 yr son leaving my girls in the van. 

I had called ahead for the refill for the medication and expected it to be ready when I walked up to the counter, but, of course, because this is MY life, no, it wasn't there. I now must roam and mill about the store for 15 minutes waiting for the pharmacy personnel to pure 30 tablets into a bottle for me. 

Fine. Whatever...


My 9 yr old girl decided she couldn't wait out in the van so she runs into the store, stops in the bathroom, then finds me so she can be doing whatever exciting things she imagine her mom could be doing in the same boring grocery store she's been in so many times before.


Everything is fine, we see all the fruits, cans, frozen containers, pens, perfumes, chips, drinks, shampoos, lotions, and cosmetics, we walked the whole store and did so in 15 minutes. I wasn't shopping just walking passed all the items displayed...it was just so exciting. 


I get to the counter, pick up the meds and pay zero dollars for our co-pay--because we have totally used up our family deductible at this point in the year--and walk out to the van so the girls and I can get on with doing other things we enjoy much more that waiting.


When I sit in my seat and start the van my 14 yr daughter tells me that during the time her sister and I were in the store a police officer pulled up behind our van, came to the window, and started asking her identifying questions because someone in the parking lot of this grocery store called the authorities worried about the "kids left in the car unattended". He asked her why she seems nervous (Duh?) and then told her wasn't going to worry about it because the air conditioner was going and she seems old enough.


Really?


Now, I understand we can't be leaving our babies in the car when we walk off, but I always thought that was because wee ones are generally secured into car seats and can't, you know, OPEN  WINDOWS or A DOOR should the car prove to be an aspiring oven without a turkey to bake.  

I also thought the reason for not leaving small children in the car was because they're LITTLE and aren't capable of tending to themselves all that awesomely or make dependable--or predictable--decisions. 

I didn't really think this also applied to big kids who can read, lift 40 pounds, ride a city bus alone, baby sit, open doors, and do algebra.


So here's my question. Are teens just not big enough to sit in the car alone? If a young person is old enough by law to be given the responsibility of watching, tending, and protecting younger children in a house--or any other building, at a park, or any other place for HOURS at a time, could it be possible that the same young person is incapable of sitting with siblings in a van for the enormous amount of time that 15 minutes has proven to be?


Maybe it was an appearance thing. Perhaps the person in the parking lot thought my daughter in the front seat looked like she was five or something. But...


My 14 yr daughter is the size of an adult--she's as tall as my older sister and TALLER than the mother of her best friend. My 12 yr old daughter is even taller than my 14 yr old.

I don't get it.

What's the youngest age you would leave your child in your car while you run into the store?  

What do you consider the criteria for being old enough? (maturity, physical ability to open the door if the child gets hot, a driver's license, etc...?)





 

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