I Love My Children

I love my children more that I could ever express or explain. The words I have just don't come close to describing how I feel about them, the joy they bring into my life, the cause they give my heart to beat, the light they bring my days and my nights, the warmth they put in my blood, the color they wash my world with, the blissful music they play in my ears, the certainty they give to my purpose, the strength they urge me to find within myself, the sheer terror I feel with the slightest thought of losing them, the beauty and satisfaction I experience when they smile and laugh and appear content, the overwhelming peace that washes over me when they lay silently sleeping deeply nestled and gracefully dreaming, the exhilaration that explodes through my veins when we embrace.

No. There are no words I know to come close to what I experience, what I know, what cherish when my mind wonders towards the thought of my children, or when I hear their names.

By the same token there is an equal failure in language to articulate the pain, desperation, frustration, anger, sadness that dwells within my heart when my children suffer an injury or a crushing blow to their own hearts.

Motherhood living is so much more than anything anyone can ever really prepare you for, more brilliant and dim than can be explained. Being a Mother brings this women to the most exquisite bliss and suffering, the deepest agony of joy, the most bitter sweetness, an introduction to every level of color and grays, secure uncertainty, insecure certainty, hopeful helplessness, hopeless helpfulness, confused clarity, clear confusion, faith, fear, and, oh, so much more perplexing wretched beautiful things indescribable.

I love my children. A simple, under stated, lack luster, shallow, inadequate four words...the only ones I know, the only ones to give...yet they mean so much. Because I do love them, I'm willing to be an advocate, a sacrificial lamb, the "scape goat", the monster to be hated, the wiper of tears, listener to rants, the receiver of hateful spew, the seeker of the lost, the reader of stories, the cook of food uneaten, the prayer of prayers, the alarm clock, the taxi driver unpaid every time, the brusher of hair, the turnip squeezed everyday hoping for blood, the bank teller, the singer of songs at night, and the tired emotionally drained ball of mess that I am.

And...every so often, I get the most loving supportive hug, the sweetest smile, the look of gratitude, the THANKS, the enjoyment of meals made, the thrill of seeing them attain something they really wanted or needed...

I love my children. It really doesn't begin to put all that other stuff in there, does it? Nah, not at all.

But.  There it is:

I LOVE MY CHILDREN!!!

Related articles

• What is the difference between scapegoat and sacrificial lamb (wiki.answers.com)

Run Away

Last night SUCKED.

What do you do with a hormonal, emotionally charged, 14 year old convinced that she's in love and, in fact, is going to get married to the boy target of her affection? A girl desperate to be on her own, be in charge of her life, and to do what she wants, but completely oblivious to the price on the tag, or even that there is a price tag at all?  A girl who doesn't seem to know how to see past the next ten minutes?

What do you do with someone you love so profoundly nothing really makes sense without them but being with them is equal parts pain as pleasure? A person you have ultimate responsibility for who is determined to thwart every single effort you make in their regard be it for safety, health, happiness, fun, or empowerment?

I'm really searching for an answer for this girl who seems to be a frightened wounded wild animal trapped within a cage in the very throws of deep panic? I quake at the many possibilities that she could fall into, the various pits of despair she digs for herself, and I wince with each new crack in my heart as I witness her blatant disregard for the pain and agony she and her choice may cause those who love and value her.

I love my daughter.

I. LOVE. My DAUGHTER.

Last night she chose to complete a plan she'd created with her "boyfriend" and her long time friend--who no doubt thought this was just SOOOO romantic--to gather a few items over a couple of days, plant them in the alley, and meet up with "G" so that they could run off into the sunset where they would get married, have babies, live in the house of their dreams, drive amazing cars, and live happily ever after... Yeah, because they live in a romantic comedy where misguided bratty teens make stupid choices but get whatever they want with pink and gold sunsets reflecting in glassy beach water and parents who apologize for having an interest in their children learning values and virtues like: responsibility, cooking, cleaning, work, kindness, compassion, sharing, gratitude, politeness, honor, and honesty.

Why can't they see that what we really want for them is maximum options and possibilities for them, the most amount of exciting choices for them to choose for when they get to the point in life that they actually GET to make and keep them? I mean, I know it's par for the course for teens to doubt parental concern thinking we like to be mean and treat them like chumps just because we can, but I don't remember having a total and absolute belief the my parents enjoyed and relished a personal sadistic pleasure in making life as difficult, UN-fun, lonely, and torturous as possible.


Alas, that's my daughter; perpetual pessimist, profound under-estimator of others, and the world biggest victim of all things unfair. In fact, there's probably a national conspiracy against her written on "top secret" file papers  of each of our country's alphabet organizations...in fact, maybe a global one.  We're all against her, and it's time to admit it.........Sigh   This story gets so tiring.

Last night, my darling girl, left the house to meet "G". They walked around the city for a long time and did who-knows-what until they wrapped up the night trying to acquire a get-away car.

Today. I'm angry. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to look at her. I LOVE HER. But I'm AN-GERRR-Y

The officer who brought her back was awesome. He was calm. He was kind. He wasn't taking any crap. He talked to us. He let us talk to him...and talk...and talk. He was patient. He was clear.  He was just what I would have wanted in that scenario.

We had friends and family looking for her. Crying for her. Worrying about her. Praying for her. Scared. Frustrated.

And when she was brought back, we all were relieved.

When she was returned, She. Was. Mad.  She was embarrassed. She was upset that she was home.

She was ok with all of us being sad, mad, scared, worried, upset... for her, it was acceptable, no problem. For her, knowing we were all torn up inside just simply did not affect her.  And I'm angry about that.

What do you do with a 14 year old who does that?

What is True Love?

People always talk about love. A lot of times they sing about lust in the place of love. Poems are ever so romantic. But what is LOVE?  How do you know when it's the real deal?

My husband is the best teacher of this for me.

The proof is in the pudding, so's to say. It isn't about the promises one can make, it's in the keeping of them. We can passionately commit to almost anything, but it's in the follow through that we find the truth. So, being able to speak the words "I love you" does not actually mean that we love another person.

In talking with my older children who are very interested in the opposite gender and desire to be in relationships, I have shared ideas that I think are helpful in navigating relationships.

Of course you want to be attracted to them but the allure of their outside appearance changes when you learn who they are from the inside.

Sex appeal is awesome but it doesn't equal trust and safety.

Movies make love a chemical reaction, a passionate night of shadows and candle light, but there is so much more to love...the tie that men and women live and die for and by which families are created and defended.

Here are some things I think you'll find when love is at the root of your relationship, ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe. Can I trust my Sweetheart enough to grow in front of his/her eyes which means making mistakes, being vulnerable, being open, and allowing yourself to fumble.
• Do I desire to make the him/her comfortable.
• Am I willing to be uncomfortable to help him/her.
• If he/she were unable to care for him/herself, would I be will to wipe his/her bottom? Could I trust him/her to do the same for me? Could I allow him/her?
• Do I respect him/her?
• Do I think he/she is capable of deep thinking and valid consideration of topics important to me?
• Can we have active conversations and spells of comfortable silence or do we need to be doing something to be content with each other?
• Do I value his/her opinions? Does he/she value mine? Do we allow the other to have differing views without becoming upset and argumentative?
• Do I want to scrub toilets, wash dishes, pay bills, travel, and be bored with this person? (you get the idea)
• Is this person's scent the one I want to smell in my home everyday? (I'm not talking perfume or body spray here; feet, BO, gas, etc...)
•  Am I sensitive to his/her needs? Is she/he sensitive to mine?
• Do I only expect things from him/her that I am willing to do? Does he/she of me?
• Does he/she see ME when she/he looks in my direction? Can I show my real self--the one I hide from the rest of the world and barely take a peak at myself? Do I see him/her?
• If I were paralyzed, burned in a fire, diagnosed with a debilitating disease like cancer or MS, am I 100% confident he/she would still be here beside me? Would I be for him/her?
• When I hear his/her name or see his/her face do I feel warm feelings immediately more than half the time?
• Can we look at each other deeply in the eyes, holding that gaze from any distance near or far?
• Am I willing to allow this person to see me sweat?
• Regardless of how I feel about his/her parents, would I sacrifice for them in order to foster peace between them? 
• Do I want to be a better person? to reach higher, try harder, work longer to grow? (not to change who I am but to improve within myself by my own definition)
• Can I give him/her my naked heart and accept his/hers without feeling a need to suggest augmentations?
• Do I him/her as he/she is right now forever, even as I grow and become different, am I capable of allowing him/her to be THIS person everyday into eternity?
• Do we have our own inside jokes and jargon?
• Do I protect his/her image? Do I defend and protect him/her from other people, especially my close friends and family, when they're being judgmental or "joking"?
• Do I share the things I find amazing about him/her often with my friends and family?
• Is our relationship sacrosanct to me? Even over my best friend?

There are many things that point to love, this may not have everything and some things may not be as important to you as they are to me, however; I think this is a good place to start evaluating and discussing where you are in a relationship. I would think that before you choose to commit yourself or your body to another person, you'd want to have as many yeses as possible to the questions above.

I hope my children will at least look at these things and consider them carefully when making choices of intimacy and commitment. Love is wonderful and beautiful, but love is also dirty, stinky, ugly and tough, it's life and endurance, hard and soft, gentle and strong, it is everything.  Choosing a person to share all these things with is hugely significant.

I think this song illustrates just what I'm talking about. Chris Medina and Juliana Ramos were in love, planning a wedding and suddenly their world changed forever...she was in a car accident that traumatically damaged her brain. As you can see, she has partial paralysis and looks differently than she had before. LOVE see's the real person and commits to the heart. Enjoy this song: