Love the one you love

I read this article about a Turtle couple of 115 years seeming to end their relationship. You can read it here:   http://now.msn.com/living/0608-tortoise-divorce-after-115-years.aspx

I then read the comments. Some were funny. Some were not.
 "...

jamesjk1972

10 minutes ago

i'm sure she was a nag like the rest of them. I dont know how married men do it. I see wives just bitching in the stores and talking to their husbands like they are stupid. So glad I didnt marry. ..."

This comment struck a cord with me...it's something I've thought about before and, to be frank, is a serious pet peeve of mine: women belittling their men to their friends. So, this is what I have to say at the moment.

I find it sad and ridiculous when I hear women tearing down their man, taking absolutely no responsibility for their relationships. Sure, there are men that are crap houses but there are equally as many women who have mastered the art of being crap burgers! 

I chose a good man, he treats me well because I treat him well--to be honest, he probably treats much better than I treat him.  We have mutual respect for each other and we work on compromise rather than being "right" over each other.

We do fun things together, we talk to each other (as opposed to talking AT each other), we work together, we worship together, we are stupid and silly together. He and I have been best friends for over 20 years from when we were teenagers to now having teenagers (heaven help us!). 

I never got into marriage thinking about his "potential" as many girls do. He was already high quality; already hard working, already respectful, already a good friend, already self sufficient, already whole and complete without the need of a woman--wife or mother. He was everything he needed to be.

He didn't marry me to rescue me, to take care of me, to protect me, etc..., which many men marry for, and, oh, so many women look for. He didn't marry for a trophy or for social status within our various communities.

No, we married because we actually like each other. There's nothing he would do that I cannot take and like wise he can handle all the dumb things I do and say.

We never talk poorly of one another as we love each other more than any other. We would never paint an unbecoming picture of the other for anyone to envision. When we disagree we talk about our disagreement and make solving it the goal rather than bullying the other into submission or turning it into emotional warfare and competition of who can hurt the other or make the other "pay" more. Our relationship is what we cherish and coddle--not our individual egos.

It's all in what you put in and what you have to offer. If you're a wounded soul looking to be completed; you will soon feel stifled by the "overbearing" protective boundaries your partner has placed. If you're looking to be a blessing to your equal in every way, well, then you have something solid to stand on.

What is True Love?

People always talk about love. A lot of times they sing about lust in the place of love. Poems are ever so romantic. But what is LOVE?  How do you know when it's the real deal?

My husband is the best teacher of this for me.

The proof is in the pudding, so's to say. It isn't about the promises one can make, it's in the keeping of them. We can passionately commit to almost anything, but it's in the follow through that we find the truth. So, being able to speak the words "I love you" does not actually mean that we love another person.

In talking with my older children who are very interested in the opposite gender and desire to be in relationships, I have shared ideas that I think are helpful in navigating relationships.

Of course you want to be attracted to them but the allure of their outside appearance changes when you learn who they are from the inside.

Sex appeal is awesome but it doesn't equal trust and safety.

Movies make love a chemical reaction, a passionate night of shadows and candle light, but there is so much more to love...the tie that men and women live and die for and by which families are created and defended.

Here are some things I think you'll find when love is at the root of your relationship, ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe. Can I trust my Sweetheart enough to grow in front of his/her eyes which means making mistakes, being vulnerable, being open, and allowing yourself to fumble.
• Do I desire to make the him/her comfortable.
• Am I willing to be uncomfortable to help him/her.
• If he/she were unable to care for him/herself, would I be will to wipe his/her bottom? Could I trust him/her to do the same for me? Could I allow him/her?
• Do I respect him/her?
• Do I think he/she is capable of deep thinking and valid consideration of topics important to me?
• Can we have active conversations and spells of comfortable silence or do we need to be doing something to be content with each other?
• Do I value his/her opinions? Does he/she value mine? Do we allow the other to have differing views without becoming upset and argumentative?
• Do I want to scrub toilets, wash dishes, pay bills, travel, and be bored with this person? (you get the idea)
• Is this person's scent the one I want to smell in my home everyday? (I'm not talking perfume or body spray here; feet, BO, gas, etc...)
•  Am I sensitive to his/her needs? Is she/he sensitive to mine?
• Do I only expect things from him/her that I am willing to do? Does he/she of me?
• Does he/she see ME when she/he looks in my direction? Can I show my real self--the one I hide from the rest of the world and barely take a peak at myself? Do I see him/her?
• If I were paralyzed, burned in a fire, diagnosed with a debilitating disease like cancer or MS, am I 100% confident he/she would still be here beside me? Would I be for him/her?
• When I hear his/her name or see his/her face do I feel warm feelings immediately more than half the time?
• Can we look at each other deeply in the eyes, holding that gaze from any distance near or far?
• Am I willing to allow this person to see me sweat?
• Regardless of how I feel about his/her parents, would I sacrifice for them in order to foster peace between them? 
• Do I want to be a better person? to reach higher, try harder, work longer to grow? (not to change who I am but to improve within myself by my own definition)
• Can I give him/her my naked heart and accept his/hers without feeling a need to suggest augmentations?
• Do I him/her as he/she is right now forever, even as I grow and become different, am I capable of allowing him/her to be THIS person everyday into eternity?
• Do we have our own inside jokes and jargon?
• Do I protect his/her image? Do I defend and protect him/her from other people, especially my close friends and family, when they're being judgmental or "joking"?
• Do I share the things I find amazing about him/her often with my friends and family?
• Is our relationship sacrosanct to me? Even over my best friend?

There are many things that point to love, this may not have everything and some things may not be as important to you as they are to me, however; I think this is a good place to start evaluating and discussing where you are in a relationship. I would think that before you choose to commit yourself or your body to another person, you'd want to have as many yeses as possible to the questions above.

I hope my children will at least look at these things and consider them carefully when making choices of intimacy and commitment. Love is wonderful and beautiful, but love is also dirty, stinky, ugly and tough, it's life and endurance, hard and soft, gentle and strong, it is everything.  Choosing a person to share all these things with is hugely significant.

I think this song illustrates just what I'm talking about. Chris Medina and Juliana Ramos were in love, planning a wedding and suddenly their world changed forever...she was in a car accident that traumatically damaged her brain. As you can see, she has partial paralysis and looks differently than she had before. LOVE see's the real person and commits to the heart. Enjoy this song: