My Awesome Oldest Son

One of my absolute most favorite things in the entire world is when my 16 year old son ways, "I love you, mom."  I don't care if it's in person, in text, or on a voice message, it makes me feel 10 feet tall.

He's a good kid. A handful, but so good.

No one can make me laugh like he can...even when it's not a good time to be laughing, which he uses to his advantage often.

I miss him as a baby, as a toddler, as a six year old...I miss all those awesome stages. I miss tossing him in the air and watching his face open in wonderful surprise, I miss the pitter-patter of him running through the house, the way he used to call for me saying "tweeeet-heaaaart" (lol So CUTE), how he wanted me to read to him at night and then sing him to sleep, I miss "those little guys".

Oh, but how my heart swells when I see him open the door for his girlfriend, how he cares ever-so-much how she feels and what she thinks about things, how he tries to be supportive to her, even when he's over protective of her (just a little).

He makes up the most humorous jiggles and silly songs. When he plays with our youngest daughter he's so sweet compared to his regular machismo self.

Even though he's taller than me, his feet are so much larger than mine, and he can pick me up, he still calls me mommy. I'd do just about anything for this kid! (the others, too, but I'm talking about him at the moment) 

Of course, there are things I would like him to improve upon (you know, like pulling up his pants), but, you know, my 16 year old son is pretty dang fantastic.

We had some rough times. Really BAD choices on his part. Difficult experiences. He's turned a corner though.

So, this is a post just to say that I really appreciate the blessing of this young man in my life. I hope I am being a good Mom to this son who so deserves one.

Who's Mom?

So I have 10 children. I have five whom I have birthed, and I am the step-mom to five more. I love them all. We've been a family--a blended, salad tossed family for several years. My stepchildren call me by my first name and my children call my husband by his first name. That's just how we did it. I decided I would not require my children to call my husband "dad" like my mom told me to do with her husband (who turned out to be a colossal mistake because I'm certain he was built out of the same material as satan himself) and I wasn't going to ask my stepchildren to call me mom. Sure, at our house Mark is the dad figure, I am the Mom figure, and having everyone call us "mom" and "dad" would make us all feel good and connected and like one big family without a past--no exes, but, if I'm to be called "mom" by my stepchildren it should be because they feel that title has been earned and doesn't, somehow, conflict with their respect and feelings for their mother. Likewise I feel the same about my children calling my husband, "dad".

My ex-husband, however, feels completely different. He, and his mother, feels strongly against my children calling my husband, Mark, "dad". I have been told under no uncertain terms that he did NOT want his kids calling Mark "dad" because they already have a dad. My ex-mother-in-law scolded my daughter for having called Mark "dad". My daughter was told that if she's going to call Mark "dad" then she might just as well call her father by his first name because she can only have one dad.

Whatever.

I feel like Mark has earned being called "dad" should my children feel so inclined but, out of respect for my ex-husband's role, I agreed that I wouldn't have them refer to him as "dad".

Let's just assume my stepchildren were to start calling me "mom". Would I sign my name on birthday or Christmas cards as "mom"? No. Why? Out of respect for their mother. It is always on my mind to be respectful and thoughtful to the relationship boundaries of my stepchildren and their mother regardless of whether we're getting along or not.

Enter my ex-husband's new girlfriend. This is a relationship approaching 6 months now and they are engaged. Trouble is, last June he was engaged to someone else, and 9 months before that he was engaged to and entirely different person.

Now, don't get me wrong, at first blush, I think this lady is nice, pleasant, and, probably, has a fairly good head on her shoulders. She's human, so she's not going to be perfect.

It was my daughter's birthday Saturday which just so happened to be her father's visitation weekend. Yesterday she came home, showed me what she got for her birthday from her family up there, handed me the birthday card they got her--which was perfect and super fun--and my eyes could not move past the signature. This woman signed the card "Mom and Dad".  Mom?  Mom???  MOM???  Are you KIDDING me? They aren't even married. They haven't even made a full trip around the sun together. This time last year she didn't even know my children and she's signing her name as MOM on my daughter's birthday card?

AND...WHERE is my ex-husband in all of this?  What happened to his big fricken hairy fit over parental boundaries?  Where's all his indignation?  What happened to our mutual agreement that we would not be calling our significant others "mom" or "dad" because they already HAVE a mom and a dad??? 

My husband has been here every single day for the last several years, consistent and constant, working his bottom off, attending school performances, volunteering, tending to when ill, doing what dad's do, while my ex-husband comes in and goes out...he'll be fine so long as he has a girlfriend but as soon as he doesn't he falls off the face of the planet and my children don't see or hear from him for months. But, my husband cannot be referred to as "dad", no, not someone actually acting like a parent, only a new person who's just arrived on the scene get's to have a parental title.

I'm frustrated. I'm hurt.  I feel totally and completely disrespected.

The most stupid thing about this is that I am not morally opposed to my children calling their stepmother "mom" should they feel they are loved and safe and connected enough to do so...but, they DON'T HAVE a stepmother yet AND I find the hypocrisy of it all disgusting and I'm unable to stomach it. 

WHY am I following the rules and the agreements we made when my ex-husband clearly feels no need or obligation to do the same?

Love the one you love

I read this article about a Turtle couple of 115 years seeming to end their relationship. You can read it here:   http://now.msn.com/living/0608-tortoise-divorce-after-115-years.aspx

I then read the comments. Some were funny. Some were not.
 "...

jamesjk1972

10 minutes ago

i'm sure she was a nag like the rest of them. I dont know how married men do it. I see wives just bitching in the stores and talking to their husbands like they are stupid. So glad I didnt marry. ..."

This comment struck a cord with me...it's something I've thought about before and, to be frank, is a serious pet peeve of mine: women belittling their men to their friends. So, this is what I have to say at the moment.

I find it sad and ridiculous when I hear women tearing down their man, taking absolutely no responsibility for their relationships. Sure, there are men that are crap houses but there are equally as many women who have mastered the art of being crap burgers! 

I chose a good man, he treats me well because I treat him well--to be honest, he probably treats much better than I treat him.  We have mutual respect for each other and we work on compromise rather than being "right" over each other.

We do fun things together, we talk to each other (as opposed to talking AT each other), we work together, we worship together, we are stupid and silly together. He and I have been best friends for over 20 years from when we were teenagers to now having teenagers (heaven help us!). 

I never got into marriage thinking about his "potential" as many girls do. He was already high quality; already hard working, already respectful, already a good friend, already self sufficient, already whole and complete without the need of a woman--wife or mother. He was everything he needed to be.

He didn't marry me to rescue me, to take care of me, to protect me, etc..., which many men marry for, and, oh, so many women look for. He didn't marry for a trophy or for social status within our various communities.

No, we married because we actually like each other. There's nothing he would do that I cannot take and like wise he can handle all the dumb things I do and say.

We never talk poorly of one another as we love each other more than any other. We would never paint an unbecoming picture of the other for anyone to envision. When we disagree we talk about our disagreement and make solving it the goal rather than bullying the other into submission or turning it into emotional warfare and competition of who can hurt the other or make the other "pay" more. Our relationship is what we cherish and coddle--not our individual egos.

It's all in what you put in and what you have to offer. If you're a wounded soul looking to be completed; you will soon feel stifled by the "overbearing" protective boundaries your partner has placed. If you're looking to be a blessing to your equal in every way, well, then you have something solid to stand on.